I seem to be suffering from something, emotionally speaking. It’s not quite depression, though my motivation is extremely low. I sometimes feel a little bit sad for no reason, but other times I am content. I am a bit weepy (I got choked up listening to edited bits of the Royal Wedding on NPR), but just as quick to laugh. Insecurity is high in some areas, and at the same time, I don’t care about much. These are the kind of days when I would go to the grocery story in my grubbiest versions of my Saturday morning uniform of yoga pants and tank top, and not care one bit how I look. Nothing is wrong, I just don’t want to do anything. This Saturday is distinct from the last (formula for Saturday success), where I took on my to-do list with realistic rigor. I am wondering if perhaps the overwhelm from my to-do lists has actually finally pushed me over the edge into this slump. I have even had my coffee today, but it hasn’t really “helped”. I still want to sit here. Doing. Nothing. I am deeming my affliction the good old-fashioned blahs.
My kids asked to watch TV this morning – a common request. Today I said yes, and I’ve been enjoying a lazy morning of Saturday morning cartoons. We are even watching – those who know me will know how out of character this is – Cinderella. I am NOT a Disney person or fan (ok, technically, since the Pixar acquisition, I guess I am), but any mother knows the Disney distinction and let’s suffice it to say, I am not a Disney mom. Princesses? No thank you. I would like my daughter to learn self-sufficiency instead of being rescued by a man (and I know – because I feel this way, it’s only a matter of time before my daughter is all princess all of the time). Interestingly, the DVD that we have here because my husband found it in one of his employee’s lap-tops last night, is Cinderella II. It’s strange in this children’s movie world, all movies have sequels that none of us non-kid or non-Disney people know about because they don’t bother with theaters – they are quickly made for a DVD audience of under 5. Surprisingly, the first 30 minutes were about Cinderella finding herself as a Princess, not being able to conform. She decides to love who she is and be herself. Hmmmm. Disney – have you gone enlightened on me?? There was plenty I could find fault with too, but really, who has the energy?
The blahs are distinct from the blues because I am not sad. I have nothing to be sad about. Things are “fine”. Normally a word I don’t care for, it sort of fits right now. Things are not going particularly smashingly right now (work, writing, life), but they are not going badly either. Parenting is actually going along pretty smoothly, which is actually a huge thing, but I’m just not that excited about it. This is a classic sign of the blahs – no strong reactions one way or another. Good? Bad? Whatever. (This is actually helpful in parenting, btw, though I’m not sure of long-term effects of my blahs on the children.)
I’ve been feeling this way most of the week, sort of in and out. My husband hasn’t mentioned anything, but he gave me a sweet card this week AND flowers. Either he senses that something is up with me or he’s having an affair. Either way, the card and flowers were really sweet. He’s the best. Perhaps I should be sharing him anyway.
My mother noticed it when I spoke with her the other day. Eleven hundred miles away, she has learned to be in tune with my phone-voice inflections for gauges on how I’m really doing. Not that I am ever one to hide it, but her momar is highly sensitive – ready to help me through any bad time. She’s the best too. I have great family.
I think there are treatments for the blahs. I could start checking boxes (the importance of checking boxes). Working out might be one. Coffee usually does something, but not today. I could step up the drugs….I’m sure there is something in our medicine cabinet? But nah – that’s the thing with the blahs – not a big desire to fix it – to fix anything. It’s not bad, it’s just blah.